Wanderings of a Manic Monday Mind

Remember that old Bangles song, “Manic Monday” ? That seems to be my mind today – off in every direction. Mostly it seems to be fixated on babies. Yep Steve and I would really like another baby, and we’re torn. Okay I should say I’m torn. Steve is more of the whatever you want to do persuasion. I’m the analyze and what if a situation to death kind of girl. So here we are. I thought we were ready to seriously start looking into adoption… but my heart is torn lately. In a way I feel like by beginning to seriously study and look into adopting I’m giving up on ever having another biological baby – and I don’t think I’m ready to give that dream up. I loved being pregnant…. I loved every moment of the nail biting weight gaining experience. I know I know – we were blessed to get to go through it once, and I feel like by not looking at other options I’m being seriously selfish and greedy… I mean some of my dear friends may never get to go through a pregnancy…. but I can’t help that little spark of defiance that’s just not ready to give up the dream. Yet I find myself on a plateau – I’m not ready to begin the craziness – the temperature charting, the peeing on sticks, the mucus checking, anguish of honestly trying. (For all of you joining this journey midtrip – our son was born after two and a half years of that – through IVF) So I find myself approaching the edge of the plateau looking over and thinking “Am I ready to jump yet? Are we ready to schedule a consultation with Dr. B and listen to what our options are? Am I ready to fill out apps for grants and try to figure out how or even if we can afford another round of InVitro?”

Here’s what my manic Monday mind currently believes or has decided. We’re going to give ourselves until June – until I’m out for the summer. That gives me 3 months to get ready – 3 months to pray that a miracle happens and we don’t have to take this crazy journey all over again – 3 months to pray that God guides us to where we’re supposed to go – 3 mos to lose my baby weight and a little more in the hopes that that helps us out this round – 3 mos to get some savings built up for whatever path we end up taking – 3 mos of wondering, stewing, and wishing. Right now 3 mos. seems like aeons but I have a sinking feeling 3 mos is just going to be a blink in time.

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One thought on “Wanderings of a Manic Monday Mind

  1. I seriously have no idea what its like to go through all that TTC and still not be able to get pregnant on my own. It's got to be a tough decision for the both of you.

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