Blue Tuesday and My Messed up Head

Today is a blue day – but not for the reasons you might think. You might think I was blue today because I had to go back to work and WeeMan had to go back to the sitter – but not really. I like my job, I like the people I work with, and I know WeeMan is in good hands when he is at our sitter’s house and he loves it there. In fact if the day had been all about go to work and come home, well then it would have been a pretty good day. Today was a teacher only day – so I worked on my classroom most of the day and for the first time in years – well I got most of it done in the first day. (Tomorrow is another teacher work day and after our morning meeting I can spend the day planning for the last two days this week) Definitely a good thing. I also feel pretty good about my class and my theme and just everything this year.

Unfortunately, the day wasn’t just about work. This afternoon I went up to the city to have a hysteriosalpingogram done. (Otherwise known as an HSG test) I wasn’t looking forward to the test itself b/c I had had one done before our first round of fertility testing and apparently it was done by the hospital janitor instead of an actual doctor. (Seriously this test should be quick and relatively painless – just uncomfortable. Instead the first time I had it done it took about two hours b/c the “doctor” couldn’t get the instruments positioned just right and had to keep pulling them out and trying to put them in correctly. Yep – you’ve probably guessed where the instruments go correctly so you can imagine the embarrassment and the physical pain.) Anyways since I had had such a terrible experience the first time Dr. B assured me he would do my HSG this time – he doesn’t use the same old fashioned method and he does them often so it should be much better. Okay so my aunt finally showed up last week about 10 days late -and we scheduled the test for today which is day 9. After about a 20 min wait – I’m shown back to the room and positioned on the torture table. You know the one I am talking about! There are a total of 6people in the room couting me and my doctor. (When you go through infertility stuff you become fairly comfortable with a lot of people seeing your personal regions – but still 5 at once seems excessive. Just as Dr. B gets ready to begin the much anticipated test he discovers that my horrible aunt is still very much present. In fact much to present to do the test – the results won’t be accurate if he does it at this point. So I’m helped off the table, led back to the pre-op room, and asked to reschedule with the girls in the office for next Tuesday. No big deal – right? Instead for some reason in my hormone ridden stupor I decide it is a big deal and spend 20 minutes crying in the parking lot. I don’t know if I was just so sad b/c I wanted it done and over with or if I am seeing it as just another stumbling block in our journey to another baby.

All I know is lately I’ve been very blue. I feel torn about whether to pursue invitro or adoption. I want to pursue invitro and I feel like that’s what we’re supposed to do. But I’m busy second guessing myself – wondering if it’s what we are really supposed to do or if it’s just what I really want to do. I’m also worrying that people in our church will judge us for pursuing invitro and not adoption – and I’m just scared that it won’t work – and wondering if maybe I shouldn’t just be satisfied with the blessing of WeeMan – apparently my mil thinks I should be. I’m just a mess of emotions right now and trying to sort everything out. I’ve been praying about it all – but I still don’t know what we’re meant to do. It seemed like with the first invitro our answers were super clear cut and obvious to see – almost like God had put up a neon sign just for us. I know – I know be patient and turn it all over to God – believe me I’m trying. But it’s awful hard to give up control of something like this – esp if you’re a control freak. I’ve sent a message to our pastor and his wife to see if hubby and I can sit down and use them as a sounding board. But if you could all pray that we find the path God is pointing us to I’d really appreciate it.

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