Today has started out a little bittersweet. This morning on my way to work one of my good friends gave me a call. She wanted to let me know that she took a home test today and it was positive. She didn’t want me to hear it from someone else – so she wanted to tell me right away. I say that this is a bittersweet moment for me because I am thrilled to the bottom of my heart for my friend. She and her husband have been trying as long as my hubby and I for a second baby. They had actually begun actively pursuing adoption b/c they did not want to pursue further fertility treatments. Their homestudy is scheduled for Wednesday. (I’m not sure what this will do to those plans) Even though I am beyond happy for my friend my heart hurts for my hubby and I. It’s hard to describe the rush of emotions that a moment like this brings unless you’ve been in this position in your life. I am grateful to my friend for choosing to tell me right away – I know that she made that choice b/c she has been in the same position. I know that she knows that even though I am happy my heart aches. I can’t help but wonder why not us? Why can’t it be our turn? Is our faith not strong enough? (I know I’ve been struggling to trust.) Have we done something wrong? Am I being punished for coveting what my pregnant friends have? Will it ever be our turn again? Which way are we supposed to be going? Am I not listening hard enough? All of these questions circle my brain and my hurting heart.
Hubby and I go tomorrow to try to do the HSG test again. My aunt is still here, but not nearly as much. I will call tomorrow morning if I haven’t stopped and make sure they can do it while she is present. Then Thursday hubby and I are going to dinner with our preacher and his wife to talk to them. I’m a little torn about that situation too. I never got a message back from them last week – so I approached them at church on Sunday to set something up. In a way I’m wondering why neither of them at least sent acknowledgement of the message I sent. But that goes back to my discontentment at church lately – I’m trying to work through that.
Yesterday it dawned on me during church what is making this journey more difficult this time around. The last time hubby and I were going through this my dad was still alive. He was a huge encouragement and a voice of reason when I was hurting. He kept reminding me to give it all to God and to trust Him. I miss having him to talk to this time. I miss knowing that he was just on the other end of the phone and that he was sending up prayers for us too.
Thanks for listening to my heartsore ramblings today. I just needed to get some things out.