So the good is that today we were able to do my HSG test in spite of the fact that Aunt Flo seems to have settled in for a long stay. Seriously – day 16 and she’s still here!! Talk about unwanted guests. At least we didn’t drive up there only to have another embarrassing moment in stirrups.
As for the bad – well we don’t have any definites, but there’s a possibility that my left tube is blocked. (so even though it’s a bad – it could be an explanation of why things don’t work for us. which is something I’ve wanted – no needed for 4 + years) At this point we’re in a holding pattern. When the hospital janitor did the first hsg test 3 years ago they noticed some irregularities. So Dr. B did exploratory laproscopy to get a good look at things. At that point he thought we were good to go. (clearly something was good to go b/c after 4 IUIs and 1 IVF we have our WeeMan) So now Dr B is going to take a look at all the old slides and have his partners take a look at things and then we’ll talk again. If it is blocked or if we are dealing with a hydrosalpinx, then we will probably be talking about removing my left tube. If we are dealing with a hydrosalpinx then integramed will probably not approve us for the Attain program unless it is removed. I’m conflicted about the whole thing for silly reasons. If my tube is blocked it’s not helping me get pregnant, but the thought of having a vital piece of my womanly reproductive parts removed makes me sad, scared, mad, worried, feel a bit like a failure…. if you can name it I’m probably feeling it right now. They will still be able to use my left ovary for IVF – but not for us just getting pregnant on our own. (Of course if it’s blocked it’s not working for that anyways – but still!) Another interesting thing is that he said this could be why sometimes I have such bad cramping and pain on my left side. Hmmmmmm that aspect would have been nice to deal with about 20 years ago!
So that’s where we are today…. circling, waiting, and praying. I’m trying so hard to give this all back up to God, but as a woman and a control freak – giving this part of me up is difficult to say the least. I’ll keep praying though and asking God to work with my heart so that I can give it to Him. I appreciate all your prayers and your kind words. It makes my heart ache to know so many of you have been on this same path and had to deal with the same heart ache, but I find comfort in your support and strength.