News of the Wonderful from the Land of the Worrier

Yesterday was a red letter day.  Yesterday we got a phone call from the Attain program (that’s who does the multicycle IVF program) and HUGE, amazing, unbelievable news – we got in.  As you know we didn’t think we were going to – in fact we were resigning ourselves to the fact that we were probably only going to have one shot at IVF and that that shot may not work and we were busily convincing ourselves that if we were only meant to have WeeMan – well we were already blessed beyond belief to have him.  So when we listened to the answering machine yesterday – my heart skipped a beat and a huge gust of relief went through my body.  See even though I was trying to convince myself that all was okay apparently my heart was yearning for more.  We had been praying that God’s will be done as far as the program goes – that if we were meant to go forward with it, He would open the door and make it possible.  That He would help us be content with His will and not our own.  That He would help us have faith.  So that call yesterday – was truly an answer to a prayer.  As the day wore on and I began to go over the contract that Attain had emailed me, I was startled to see the cost of the program had gone up $1800 since June – when we had gotten the cost.  We have enough in savings for the total amount that’s due on Friday – but we won’t have anything left over.  Knowing that I began to panic and worry and fret and worry some more – but I didn’t pray.  The more I worried and fretted the sicker I felt and the more I worried again.  It was a vicious cycle.  I woke up this morning still worrying and feeling ill – but I finally remembered to pray.  I prayed that God would guide us and show us what we were meant to do.  I began to feel calmer and I began to realize that we would be in a better place than we were at the beginning of November before we borrowed the money for the IVF and other things.  At that point we had no savings built up and were dealing with some medical bills and some home repairs that needed to be done.  I came to school and I shared my fears with my two good friends and one of them reminded me that the devil thrives on situations like this – that he loves to fill our hearts with worry and fear so that we are unable to trust our God.  I shared how I was doubting and questioning if I was misreading the answers to my prayers, and she reminded me that God takes opportunities like this to make us depend on him and trust him and maybe we are supposed to take this leap of faith – not worry about having that monetary cushion and trust God.  So where am I now?  Well I’m still scared and worried, but I’m praying and trusting.  We are moving forward and hoping that that is what God wants us to do.  I’m facing down another one of those giants.

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