Blue, blue, blue

This morning is blue.  I’m in the arena with one of my giants and I’m feeling ambushed by the lies and whispers from Satan.  This thing with my estradial numbers is hitting me hard.  I made the mistake of going online and trying to research instead of simply trusting and having faith (simply trusting – simply faith – ha!) Why is it trusting God is such a difficult thing for me? Because I listened to those whispers that told me to take control  – to try to fix this- my head is full of words like low ovarian reserve,  and  early menopause.  Words that my doctor hasn’t mentioned but I read about. I’m struggling today with worry and what ifs……

I’d forgotten what a rollercoaster this whole thing is (well I hadn’t forgotten it was a rollercoaster – I’d merely forgotten how rough the ride is. ) The highs can see so high – the hope on Monday and again yesterday the anticipation of moving forward of beginning the real meds then the crushing disappointment of hearing that I wasn’t ready yet, the fear and the worry – the what ifs that crowd into your head in the middle of the night and day – it’s draining .  It drains away the fragile hope and trust – it’s heart hurting. 

I’m trying to turn to God everytime I feel myself start to worry – I’m trying to pray without ceasing today.  Trying to drown out the false words and the worry and the fear with conversation with my heavenly Father today.  Why does it have to be so hard……..

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