Ups and Downs

Today was my first day back to work since all of our IVF.  It’s been rough.  I started out this morning really down – don’t know why, but I just was struggling to think positive thoughts about my little beans.  I spent my prep period reading back through my entries from three years ago.  Trying to find reason to be happy – and I remembered that at least on Monday I was pregnant.  Even if the beans don’t stick I was pregnant for a bit.  I’ve also been trying to pray every time I feel those doubts and worries creeping in.  I know that the voice that whispers hurtful things trying to get me to believe that it didn’t work is Satan whispering in my ear and trying to weaken my faith.  I keep thinking of that mustard seed and my hand goes frequently to the necklace my mom gave me.  If I have faith the size of that mustard seed than anything is possible.  7 and a half days is such a long time to wait and worry and wonder.  I’m like Peter out on the water – for awhile my faith is strong and I know my Father can make anything possible, but then a whisper will sigh in my ear and I find myself sinking into doubt.

The lab called this morning to tell me that the other four eggs didn’t make it to freezing.  I’m sad that we don’t have that back up – but we do have another try if it didn’t work this time.  Plus the last time we got pregnant we didn’t have any to freeze – so maybe God knows we don’t need them and he’s taking the question of what to do with them in a few years out of our hands.  See I’m trying to think positive.  I’m awful tempted to take a home test tonight.  I know it’s super duper early, but since I didn’t trigger with the hcg shot I shouldn’t have a false positive…. I just might have a false negative…. so then I have to weigh whether that will get me down and cause me more worry or not. 

I know that patience is a virtue – but it’s one I’m sorely lacking in.

Edit : The day ended on a high note.  I went to my Beth Moore bible study at the church and was able to share with the others the hopelessness I was feeling and the struggle I was having to have faith.  I cried and they cried and shared and then the beautiful women in my group covered me with prayers.  I feel peace right now and I know when I begin to fear I need to turn to my Bible.  I’ll be carrying it to work with me tomorrow.  When I got in my car after the study the reassurance continued I started the car and Toby Mac’s song “Hold On” was just going through the first chorus. 

This is the part of the song I heard.
So baby hold on

just another day or two

I can see the clouds are

moving faster now

and the sun is breaking through

If you can hold on, to the one that’s holding you

there is nothing that can

stop this crazy love

from breaking through

We’re breaking through

We’re breaking through

Wake up to the rising sun

thank the Lord for the

things He’s done

lift your eyes up to the

hope that’s ever true

Wanna see you smiling girl

you’re a light in this jaded world

wipe away those tears

this one’s for you

Come on, move a little bit closer, you can put your head on my shoulder

Yeah, yeah

[Chorus]

And the stars are up there

shining for you

oh, the Father does adore you

His love will never change

And you and I

we were born to follow

the hope that will lead us to tomorrow

and no one can take it away

So baby hold on

just another day or two

I can see the clouds are

moving faster now

and the sun is breaking through

If you could hold on

to the one that’s holding you

there is nothing that can stop this crazy, crazy love from breaking [x2]

You see the clouds are

moving faster now

the clouds are moving faster

You see the clouds are

moving faster now

And the sun is breaking through

We’re breaking through

The words were speaking right to my heart.  As I pulled into my garage and prepared to park my car Natalie Grant’s song “Mighty to Save” came on the radio.  It’s like I was being reminded to hold on – that my God can move mountains and he’s going to work miracles in my life again.   I spent the day begging God for a sign and there it was.

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3 thoughts on “Ups and Downs

  1. "Great peace have they who love Thy love – and NOTHING can make them stumble" Psalms 119:165 Hang on to the word sweet lady! Praying that Satan keeps still and that peace remains!

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