Hope

Hope is a funny thing. Hope is something I seem to be struggling with during this 10 day wait for the pregnancy test. I want to be hopeful and some days I completely believe I’m pregnant and my little emby’s stuck. Other days I wake up with a dark cloud looming over my shoulder and hope is somewhere far away. I think the big difference is this time I don’t feel pregnant. Last time I had OHSS so bad I was miserable and I believed I had to be pregnant – why else would I be miserable. The other part of the problem is that voice of Satan. It crept in this morning. I tried to ignore it – but I could hear it’s whisper – “Go ahead take a home test – even though it’s early. Don’t you want to know now so you can be prepared on Thursday. What’s it going to hurt? Just take the test – hey if it’s negative it might be a false negative.” Honestly do I think it would have been terrible to take a test this morning? No – my period is due tomorrow – so it might have been long enough. But two things held me back. First I’m trying so hard to have faith and trust God on this journey, and if I took that test – then I would be letting my doubts and my need for control come through… and I’m supposed to be letting God be in control. Second if I took that test and it was negative, I would lose all hope and hope right now is a precious commodity to me. Hope is the thing that keeps me going – that makes me want to get up and move through my day. Yep I’m afraid and I’m struggling with doubt. I find myself like Peter on the water crying out to God because I doubt. The same prayer runs a loop through my head throughout the day “Please God Please let us have another miracle. Please make those babies stick and grow so that WeeMan can have a brother or a sister.” I find myself reaching up to touch the mustard seed necklace that my mom gave me for my birthday and reminding myself – if I have faith – even that small I can move mountains with God. And I look for signs – symptoms of early pregnancy, the song on the Christian radio station – something, anything to let me know what Thursday will bring. As the wait draws nearer to an end the prayer becomes more frantic, the gray clouds darker, the doubts and whispers louder. Only one and a half more days. Long days… but so much less than the original 10 days. My appointment is for 7:30 Thursday morning. After my appointment the day will be filled with more waiting. It will probably be after 2 before the office calls me back. Please say a prayer for us. Please pray that my faith will resist the temptation to take control and that God will be watching over our little embryos. I am hoping our number is sky high on Thursday. They say if it’s over 50 we can be cautiously optimistic. With WeeMan our number was 239 at the first test. I’m hoping for higher this time. Something dramatic and encouraging.

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3 thoughts on “Hope

  1. I will be praying for you…that you will receive whatever news comes with thanksgiving. My oldest daughter has our 2 yo granddaughter and has been trying to get pregnant now for nearly a year. 5 miscarriages so far. They have her on prometrium…a hormone replacement thingy…as they think the reasons for the miscarriages is low progesterone. It has been very hard to see her go thru all of this….God is good…all the time. Thanks for visiting my blog….I LOVE your background! I have been looking for something similar to this and have not been able to find it! The colors are just what I have been wanting! Bright, springy colors!

  2. Mama, I was thinking about you today and couldn't remember where we were with this so I thought I would stop by to see you this evening. I will say a prayer for you. Hold your little man close and let him wrap his arms around your neck. xo, Cheryl

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