Fear – an IVF post

So the latest is that AF held off.  I had an ultrasound on Tuesday b/c I thought we had started on Monday.  They looked at the u/s and said the lining was too thick they didn’t really think I was on cycle day 1 yet.  Of course I definitely hit cd 1 yesterday evening.  I’m miserable with cramps today – you know the ones that no pain killer will touch.  I have another appt for Friday.  If everything looks good I will take my first follistem shot on Friday morning after the u/s. 

I’m scared to death.  Not of the process.  I know all about how it works and everything it will entail.  Shots don’t worry me – I’ve given myself plenty over the years of this journey.  I’m not scared by any of the u/s or the tests.  If you’ve ever been through anything like this you know that you reach a point where your just not self concious about having anything examined.  (I tell my hubby that after all we’ve been through I expect to take my pants off everytime we go to the doctor.)   I

n spite of that knowledge I’m scared.  I’m scared because this is it. Once we start the shots this is our last try unless we have any embryos to freeze this time.  I’m terrified that if this doesn’t work – then I don’t have any more chances – no more tries.  As long as we knew we had this last try – then I feel like I have hope.  If this time doesn’ work – then that’s all there is – no more hope.  I know that I’ve been blessed.  I know that I have a beautiful son who I love with all my heart and soul.  I would never never trade that – but I don’t want to be done.  Maybe that makes me greedy.  I know that I have friends that will never know the feeling of life moving inside them.  That will never be mommies and my heart breaks for them… but I want to do it all again.  I want one more time – one more chance to cherish all those special moments.  To have another little miracle – that’s part me and part my husband and all their own little being.  I don’t want to live in regret if it doesn’t work – I don’t want to become bitter and hatefilled and miss the joy and the miracle that my son is because I wanted more… but my heart aches for another baby. 

I know if this doesn’t work – then we’ll regroup and we’ll pray and in a year or two we’ll consider other options for growing our family.  I know that whatever happens will not kill me – God is in control and if this doesn’t work I will hurt and cry and rant and rave and be broken – but I will get up again.  I know that ultimately whatever happens is God’s plan – but I’m so scared.  What if God’s plan isn’t the plan I had??  

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