Trying

We spent the day wandering around the zoo.  We decided we couldn’t spend another day in the house being sad – that for WeeMan’s sake we needed to go try.  You know what – surprisingly – well we had a good day.  Oh they were moments where we brushed away tears.  And there were times I had to just stop and catch my breath – but we were together and we were trying.  I spent the day still praying for a miracle.  Begging God that one of the beans is still in there holding on and growing – that tomorrows blood test will show rising numbers.  In my head I know that it’s not likely – but in my heart I have to hope.  On the way home from “The Help” I got mixed messages on the radio.  The first was “Our God” by Chris Tomlin

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
It was immediately followed by Mandisa’s “Stronger”
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain’t gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger
Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it’s gonna end
God’s right there
Even when you just can’t feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

So I’m not sure what message that I’m supposed to be hearing.  I know God has this all in His hands and I know that He alone is capable of making this into a miracle for us.  But I’m struggling tonight – this weekend.  I’m struggling to understand why –

I went to see “The Help” with a couple of my best friends tonight.  I forgot about the miscarriage – but I didn’t cry.  I think I cried myself out last night – when my WeeMan asked me if my heart felt better and if baby corn was in my belly (we’d been telling him he couldn’t climb on mommy’s belly b/c she had baby beans growing in there) My heart broke when my hubby hugged him and told him the baby corn was with Grandpa now keeping him company in heaven.  Nope guess I’m not cried out yet. 

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5 thoughts on “Trying

  1. I am sorry to hear this. I have been sick with food posioning and didn't see this until just now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.How did you like The Help? I ended up shedding tears a time or two during the move.

  2. Sweet friend, I'm so sorry. 😦 So, so very sorry. Why these things have to happen, we'll never know. Just yesterday I was talking to my mother in-law, and she was crying. She misses her youngest son so much — we talked about how sometimes God requires so much from us, because He's given us so much. Bad things happen to wonderful people, because His desire is that we glorify Him in good and bad. Not because He is heartless and cruel, but because He loves us enough to refine us. Gold is refined through the test of the hottest heat, and the hammers heavy blow. And so are we. But you know what? The result is always beautiful. {hugs and prayers}

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