Bittersweet

Today was rough – who am I kidding the whole weekend was rough.  I’m drained and exhausted and hurting and mad and sad and sick and wondering when it all ends.  Maybe it wouldn’t have been so rough if my body would cooperate.  I thought that the physical side of the miscarriage was over.  I had cramps and bleeding (lots of bleeding) last week on Thursday.  Other than that there was nothing until Friday this week when I started cramping and bleeding again.  I’ve called and talked to the nurse at the doctor’s office and she said it’s still part of the miscarriage – not my period like I thought at first it may be.  I know that’s part of why I’m so exhausted – my body is just not cooperating.  I feel like I could hibernate under my covers for a week at least and probably still emerge exhausted.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just going through the motions of taking care of my family and my home.  I want my life back! I want my hope back! I want my heart to stop hurting and my body to stop bleeding.

My mom and brother came to visit this weekend and it was good to have them here.  To have some help with David.  Our friends M and M came for a cookout Saturday with their little Cutiepie.  There were moments this weekend when I felt almost normal.  I’m thankful for those moments – for friends and family coming round and to know that their hearts are aching too.  In the normal moments I even managed to garage sale.  I found two powerwheels for WeeMan.  One was a small Diego fourwheeler – I paid $10 for it and we let him have it now.  It’s in great shape and I figure I can resell it for at least $20 next summer.  The other is a bigger FisherPrice Kawasaki fourwheeler model.  We’re saving it for his birthday.  I paid $40 for it and it too is in fantastic shape.  There were moments of joy watching him race around the yard on his fo-wheeler and seeing that smile of delight. 

There was bittersweet joy at church today.  Our good friends from church asked me to hold their sweet baby girl since they were teaching in WeeMan’s class during service.  It was precious to hold and cuddle that little baby.  But my heartached b/c I know I won’t be cuddling our little bean.  I spent the service with tear filled eyes and returned sweet little girl with tears in her hair.  But I cherished every moment of cuddling I was able to have.

I’m so full of hurt and questions and I want to turn to our church family for support and help, but things are rough right now at church and hubby and I have even been considering finding a new church.  Some things have been happening that have us questioning whether it’s the right place for our family.  It just seems like life is crumbling around me and I struggle to find the energy to pick up the pieces.  I know if I can’t I’m letting the devil win, I’m trying to pull it together and I’m thanking God everyday for my sweet hubby – who’s hurting with me and yet still is full of hope and faith and the strength to carry us through.  I’m also thanking God for my WeeMan who knows mommy’s heart hurt sometimes and tries to fix it with cookies, kool-aid, bearhugs, and kisses.  I know that I have blessings and I’m trying so hard not to lose sight of them all in my haze of hurt.

I want to come back – I want to be blogging about recipes and crafts and happy things.  I’m sorry my blog is a debbie downer lately.  Thank you for bearing with me and praying for my family and for caring for us even though you’ve never met us.  You are one of my biggest blessings.