Rough Start

This morning was ROUGH. I had to go to Dr. B’s office for bloodwork. They are monitoring my Hcg to make sure it goes back down to negative numbers. Just being there brought tears to my eyes. I wasn’t supposed to be there for this, I was supposed to be going back next week for an ultrasound and to see a heartbeat. I know they tell you after the blood tests to be cautiously optimistic… and I thought I was being cautious, but there are moments when no matter how cautious I was the hurt of what should have been steals my breath away. I cry a lot – I’m like a leaky faucet. There’s no rhyme or reason to what will bring tears to my eyes. Last night I was lying on the couch with WeeMan and I was crying at the end of “Despicable Me”. I cry in the shower, in bed, in my car, at work, and this morning in the arms of my nurse at Dr. B’s office. I cried at the receptionists desk as I was making our postcycle consult. I’m crying right now as I right this. I know the hurt won’t go away, but I’m wondering when the tears will start to fade.

I’m leaning hard on my friends, on my blogs, and on my Husband through this. I know I’m supposed to be leaning on my God, but I’m struggling there. Our church is in turmoil right now, there’s a LOT of dissension about some things the pastor has taken upon himself to do. Staff changes and vision changes and about a month or more before the congregation was notified. I know we have a few faithful friends who are praying for us through this, but I ache because we don’t seem to be able to find comfort in our church right now. We’ve even discussed looking for a new church home, but this seems like a horrible time to be looking when we’re both hurting and it would be too easy to just curl up under the blankets on Sunday morning and stop going all together.

I did find one bright spot this morning. It’s a devotional I get delivered to my email everyday. This is the one from yesteday.

It’s Time to Simply Trust

“Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40, NIV

Having commanded the stone to be rolled away from the place where Lazarus was buried, Jesus challenged Martha not only to obedience but to expectant faith: “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” (John 11:40). In essence, He was saying, “It’s time to place all of your small, mustard seed-sized faith in Me and My promise to you.”

Martha had said she had faith. She intellectually believed what Jesus had said. But Martha needed to make the transition from faith to trust. Because while belief is the consent of the mind and faith is a choice of the will, trust is a commitment of the heart.

The time had come for Martha to put her faith into action by surrendering all of her hopeful expectations and heartfelt longings and practical common sense and simply trust Him. And the time has come for you to simply trust Him. Trust HIM!

Guess I need to work on trusting Him. Definitely something I struggle with under normal circumstances – harder under these.


5 thoughts on “Rough Start

  1. Oh, Mama. Keep breathing in and out and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep your box of tissues nearby. that is about all you can do right now. It is o.k. to feel this pain. It is where you are. sending hugs. Cheryl

  2. I am so sorry for all the hurt you are going through. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it all go away! Sendings you lots of hugs and bandaides for your heart!

  3. Trust is so hard even though we know it is in his hands we want so hard to take over and control the wheel of the car. You're doing amazing job and just keep moving forward.I'm sorry to hear about your church. I finally had to make a move to a new one. I really enjoyed the ppl, but sadly some of the ladies would give me a hard time about bringing the kids. They didn't want to watch them since I was the only one bringing kids. Hugs and prayers with you!

  4. I've always said if you can't yell, scream, stomp your feet, cry, and curl up in the arms of God then who or where can ya? He wants us, ALL of us the good and the bad! I'm sorry your heart hurts so much and you don't have answers. I'll pray for some sunshine for you and I send you the biggest hug!

  5. We changed church during a very emotional and hurting time in our lives. We knew the folks at the new church were our new family as they lovingly let me cry – again and again and again. Keep praying. Keep trusting. God has great plans for you all! Love you girl!

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