This morning was ROUGH. I had to go to Dr. B’s office for bloodwork. They are monitoring my Hcg to make sure it goes back down to negative numbers. Just being there brought tears to my eyes. I wasn’t supposed to be there for this, I was supposed to be going back next week for an ultrasound and to see a heartbeat. I know they tell you after the blood tests to be cautiously optimistic… and I thought I was being cautious, but there are moments when no matter how cautious I was the hurt of what should have been steals my breath away. I cry a lot – I’m like a leaky faucet. There’s no rhyme or reason to what will bring tears to my eyes. Last night I was lying on the couch with WeeMan and I was crying at the end of “Despicable Me”. I cry in the shower, in bed, in my car, at work, and this morning in the arms of my nurse at Dr. B’s office. I cried at the receptionists desk as I was making our postcycle consult. I’m crying right now as I right this. I know the hurt won’t go away, but I’m wondering when the tears will start to fade.
I’m leaning hard on my friends, on my blogs, and on my Husband through this. I know I’m supposed to be leaning on my God, but I’m struggling there. Our church is in turmoil right now, there’s a LOT of dissension about some things the pastor has taken upon himself to do. Staff changes and vision changes and about a month or more before the congregation was notified. I know we have a few faithful friends who are praying for us through this, but I ache because we don’t seem to be able to find comfort in our church right now. We’ve even discussed looking for a new church home, but this seems like a horrible time to be looking when we’re both hurting and it would be too easy to just curl up under the blankets on Sunday morning and stop going all together.
I did find one bright spot this morning. It’s a devotional I get delivered to my email everyday. This is the one from yesteday.
It’s Time to Simply Trust
“Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40, NIV
Having commanded the stone to be rolled away from the place where Lazarus was buried, Jesus challenged Martha not only to obedience but to expectant faith: “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” (John 11:40). In essence, He was saying, “It’s time to place all of your small, mustard seed-sized faith in Me and My promise to you.”
Martha had said she had faith. She intellectually believed what Jesus had said. But Martha needed to make the transition from faith to trust. Because while belief is the consent of the mind and faith is a choice of the will, trust is a commitment of the heart.
The time had come for Martha to put her faith into action by surrendering all of her hopeful expectations and heartfelt longings and practical common sense and simply trust Him. And the time has come for you to simply trust Him. Trust HIM!
Guess I need to work on trusting Him. Definitely something I struggle with under normal circumstances – harder under these.