Since the miscarriage I’ve had several people complement me on my strength.  Last night a friend I admire messaged me on facebook and told me she admires my strength and she wrote “I am so impressed that you are able to share what you are going through- you are a voice for those who have gone though or are in the midst of infertility. I am touched by your heart and the honesty you share each day as you battle this. ”  I have confession to make though.  I’m not strong or brave.  I’m weak and scared.  Each day is a battle to get out of bed and face the day.  Every day since the miscarriage something has made me cry – whether it be a commercial on tv, a song on the radio, the hug of a friend, or any other numerous reminders.  I have shared every step of our journey for selfish reasons – I’m a writer and a talker and I have to talk through things to make them make sense – to survive them.  Every time I’ve shared what we’re dealing with I’ve been given so much…. comfort, reassurance that I’m not crazy, and I’m not alone, and prayers.  So not only am I weak and scared – well I’m a little selfish too.

My scaredy cat tendencies have never been more clear to me than today.  Our ultrasound gave us no answers except reassurance that’s they’re pretty sure it’s not an ectopic pregnancy.  There was nothing on the left ovary or tube and as far as they can tell nothing on the right either.  Apparently my right hides all the time.  Today it seemed to be tucked way back behind the uterus and couldn’t be seen.  The radiologist felt confident that if there was an ectopic pregnancy 7 weeks along we would have been able to see it on the right b/c it would have been large enough to bring the right forward.  The lining did appear to be thick which could either be leftover from the miscarriage or the result of a new very early pregnancy.  At this point we are forced to wait and see some more.  I go back to the doctor tomorrow for more bloodwork.  They will recheck my Hcg.  I guess if it’s still climbing we’ll keep waiting and if it’s gone back to falling we’ll know it’s not a viable pregnancy.  I’m scared stiff.  I tried to research online last night so I could be prepared for today… but that just scared me more as I read about things like molar pregnancies.  It doesn’t appear to be one of those currently.  Unless it was a very early. So I am relieved about that… but this waiting is truly testing me.

I want to have faith.  I want to believe that God is working through this and he’s going to do miracles for us.  If we are pregnant then that would be a HUGE miracle.  I know that God is capable of doing HUGE miracles… but I worry why would he do one for unworthy me?  I know there’s nothing I can do to change the situation or to get answers any sooner – except pray and just give it all to God.  Yet I sit and I worry and I ache to hear his voice.  Hubby called the pastor today and we both talked to him and know that he passed our situation on to the prayer team. As he hung up the phone and turned the radio back on “Mighty to Save” was playing right at that chorus where it says

He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as You find me
All my fears & failures
Fill my life again”
It seemed like every song we heard on the way home was about being strong and having faith… so I don’t know if God speaks to us through the radio.  But I’m doing my best to have faith and hope.  No matter what happens I will praise Him.  That’s all I can do.


3 thoughts on “Strong

  1. Mama, Sometimes it is hard to have faith. I always say that the way I plant flowers shows that I have little faith. I plant too close or in a small pot…never giving them room to grow. I'm certain I fail to give myself room to grow often times, too. I cut God off at the pass. And sometimes it is hard to understand. I'm praying God will grant you the peace that passeth all understanding. sending hugs to you, mama. Cheryl

  2. You ARE worthy friend!! HE made YOU for HIS purpose! HE loves you! He knows you! He knows your heart. Look at you saying you aren't worthy and at a time when you probably feel your lowest, you are spreading God's word. Some people don't even do that at their greatest shining moments. We have our dark times and our dark moments so we can show the world that God is an almighty God that brings us through any all trials, and that's exactly what you're doing. You may not see it that way but you are. You are letting others know it's OK! THEY are not alone in feeling the way they do, for wanting to shake their fist and stomp their feet at God, and that's OK! What a beautiful amazing example you are. Thank you for being so transparent and allowing us to see you and Him. You aren't being selfish! You are being human and dealing with a very difficult situation the best way YOU know how! and that my friend is OK! I will pray for you and your husband as you go through this together, and I will pray for God to give you the miracle you're hoping for! I wish I could give ya big ol girlfriend hug!Wendy

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