Another

I’ve made it through another day.  We had another rough night last night.  Monday there will be another blood test and then another heart wrenching wait.

Here’s the latest in our saga.  Yesterday my Hcg level had risen yet again by 100 points.  The doctor’s office called and the nurse told me Dr. B wanted me to take a medicine called cytotech.  Basically cytotech will cause me to finish miscarrying the remaining lining and should bring the Hcg down to the negative numbers we need it to be at to move forward.  I asked her if Dr. B had looked at the u/s with the knowledge that we had had sex and were wondering if we could be pregnant.  She answered all my questions and assured me he had.  I hung up the phone and sobbed for lost hope again.  After the crying jag passed – largely due in part to my WeeMan and Hubby’s hugs.  I prepared to run out and pick up the meds.  I also did some quick research online (ie read some blogs of women who had taken the same meds and their experiences) I knew it was going to cause some cramping and some bleeding.  I was scared b/c Brooke said that Dr. B wanted to make sure I had vicodin left. (I’m pretty sure that meant there was going to be BAD cramping) As I did all this… my heart just wasn’t 100% behind what was to come.  I began to worry and second guess… wondering if this was a time I was being tested and if I was just supposed to have faith and trust God with this.  I called one of my best friends who has been down this road more than once and I talked through what was going on with her.  She told me “Becky – you can’t do this if you are not one hundred percent sure it’s the right thing. If you have any doubt – you will spend the rest of your life wondering what if.  Call Dr. B tomorrow and talk to him.” I heard the same thing from another friend when she stopped by to drop off a basket of things for the day I thought I was going to spend on the couch. Later that night I talked to my pastor’s wife on the phone and she prayed with me and I knew I needed to wait and talk to the doctor one last time.  So this morning I called and left a message asking that he call me back and he did.  I talked to him on the phone for a good 15 minutes.  I asked all my questions and I shared my doubts.  He got it… completely got it and assured me there was no reason we couldn’t wait a little longer.  My body is showing no signs of infection and although the numbers don’t look promising for a viable pregnancy… he said we could wait and do more tests.  So Monday morning I am going for another ultrasound.  By Monday if this is an early pregnancy my number should be near 2000.  If it isn’t we will know that it’s not.  But Dr. B says I can wait longer than that if I need to.  I have a feeling Monday will give me my answer.  I’m at peace with that.  So Monday I’m going to have one more Hcg test.  We’ll see what that brings and move from there. 

Last night before talking to my loveys I was conflicted and heartbroken.  I was terrified and wondering.  Today I am not afraid.  If Monday brings us bad news then I will go ahead and take the meds so that I can stay healthy and we can move forward. 

I have to thank you all again for the love and the support you’ve given me.  I wish I could thank each of you in person.  I cherish all the words you’ve shared.  I’m amazed at the women – some of them friends I’ve known for years who have shared their stories with me – I’m heartsick that so many of us have traveled this long heartbreaking road.  Thank you for helping me get up each day, for loaning me your strength without ever realizing you were.  You are all amazing.

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