Not this time

It’s official.  My Hcg went up by about 50 in four days.  Definitely not the sign of a new pregnancy.  If it were a pregnancy it would have gone up by about 2000.  I managed to make sure the house was spic and span and things were organized at work.  I also made it to Weight Watchers.  (Only down a half a pound) Now I’m nested on the couch.  I took the cytotec about 20 minutes ago.  I’ve got my vicodin close at hand and I’m waiting to see how it’s going to go.

I really struggled yesterday.  The sermon got to me and just stuck there.  You know how when you’re so mired down in something then you take everything you hear and apply it to the situation you’re in whether it’s right or wrong.  I left church yesterday feeling like it was my fault we lost this baby because I wouldn’t give God control.  Now looking at it with clear eyes and some distance … I know that’s not what the pastor was saying.  But I spent the day mired in sadness and guilt yesterday.  I think it was easy for me to twist his words around that way because that’s what I’ve been wondering and struggling with since the loss.  I struggle right now because I want/ need an answer – someone or something to blame – even if that someone is myself.  I know in my head we won’t ever have that answer – that there may be no answer…. but I ache with the wondering. 

Tomorrow if I’m feeling up to it I’ll be back with a nonheartsick post.  I’ve got a giveaway winner to announce and some decorating things to post.  Just moving one day at a time here.

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4 thoughts on “Not this time

  1. Im so sorry! I hope that you get some peace soon. Congrats on the weight loss! Great job! Way to stick to it when you have been going through this hell! I'm proud of you! I know I could not have done it. Big Hugs!

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