Okay, I had kind of taken a break from writing. I’ve still been sharing our journey and our struggle on Facebook, but I was feeling lost – mired down in misery for a bit. I couldn’t find the energy or the words to write and I felt like you all were probably getting tired of reading my woes. (I know now that that’s what the devil wanted me to think, but when you’re in the thick of it sometimes it’s hard to see through to the truth.) The past days have been like a merry go round. Not many ups, but we’ve found some normal smooth sailing which is what my heart needs right now. Last Sunday the pastor’s sermon broke my heart. I know now that I’m able to see that I wasn’t hearing what he was saying I was hearing what the devil wanted me to hear and those words – they were piercing and painful and heartbreaking and hopestealing. I walked away from church a week ago, believing that our pastor was directing his sermon directly at me and he was telling me that the miscarriage, the heartbreak, they were all my fault because I was trying to be God.
With some distance and some time I know that that is not what he was saying and I do believe that for whatever plan God has we were supposed to do the invitro. We prayed over our decision for so long and we didn’t go into that prayer believing we knew the right answer. We honestly asked God to open doors and show us the path we were meant to take – whatever it was. So we’re on God’s path and it’s a little rocky right now. I can’t see where we’re going – there’s a lot of twists and turns. I’m trying, trying to just breathe and continue moving forward. Some days trusting God to be the guide is easier than others. I don’t feel like our family is done growing yet, but I don’t know what means God will use to help us expand. We’re just praying now that God will be our guide and that he will open our eyes so we can see. One of the giants I struggle with is the fear that God will show me a sign, a path, the way and I’ll miss it somehow in my blindness.
Day after day I continue to be blessed by the kind words of friends, some of them people who I haven’t talked to since high school sharing their own heartache, letting me know that this path we travel – has been traveled before, some of them acquantainces from church and work – people that I have only had token conversations with sharing honest understanding and comfort in a hug, and of course some of them from brave, wise, loving women who I may never in this earthly life sit down and share a cup of coffee with – but your words and prayers – your encouragement have helped me face some dark times. It’s funny that the friends I thought would gather around and help me through this the most are the ones who struggle to know what to say so instead make the hurt worse unintentionally.
So we’re still standing and the smooth normal calm days – well they seem to be coming back with more frequency. Right now I try not to think about what the future will bring, b/c when I do my heartaches with longing. But we move forward a day at a time. This weekend we moved forward by spending time at a festival (pics of that to come tomorrow) and the Farmer’s Market. I thought I’d share some of the normalness and the beauty to make up for all the ranting and moaning I’ve done on here.
My two men
Love the fuschia of the flowers with the black. Need to find out what this is.
Apples – a sign that fall is really on it’s way
My WeeMan’s smile – who can see this and not smile. Note the dingy well loved bear that travels everywhere with him still
Cousins – WeeMan and our Monkeygirl with their zhu zhu pets – thanks to CVS for serious clearance – you made them both happy
Tomorrow we go to Dr. B. for our post cycle consult. I’ll have to have another bloodtest too. Hopefully the numbers continue to fall. I’ve got a few questions in mind for him about other options, but I’m not sure where we’ll go from here. Right now it looks like we’re going to give ourselves till spring or early summer to make a decision and pray for guidance. There’s a piece of me that would run out and do IVF again tomorrow. But there’s also a piece of my heart that is scared and unsure. I’m reading Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman right now and there’s a part of my heart that aches to adopt also. There’s also the Pollyanna in me hoping that we get a miracle baby of our own between now and then. One day at a time. That’s what we have to do.