Bittersweet

Today was a bittersweet kind of day.  There were certainly high points.  Like the fact that it was fall break so we got to sleep in.  And I had another bloodtest in the city so I dropped WeeMan off at the sitter, ran up for my bloodwork, and then did some shopping on my way back, and the shopping was in the normal women’s size… I didn’t have to shop in the plua section and I got some really nice things super cheap. (I went to a store called Clothes Mentor – it’s like Once Upon a Child for adults.)

Overall the day was a high day.  The bittersweetness came with my bloodwork results.  My beta is finally below 5.  After three months I am finally able to take a pregnancy test and have it be negative.  I’m happy that my body is getting back to normal, that we can start trying to have another baby… but it’s a sad happy.  It seems so wrong to be happy that a pregnancy test would read negative finally.  My heart aches because we’re letting go of these last bits of bean. I cried most of the way home.  I cried for a lost dream and a beautiful baby that will never be here on earth.  I sobbed and I prayed and as I turned the radio station I heard these words…
And I lift my hands to believe again

You are my refuge, You are my strength

As I pour out my heart

These things, I remember

You are faithful, God

You are fai

Let faith arise

Let faith arise

So tonight I am praying for God to be my refuge and my strength as we let go of our sweet little banu bean. I’m tying to remind myslef that there is a plam even uf ruhr biq nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

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