I haven’t been around much lately and honestly my thankful list has definitely lost out. Life is keeping me busy and tired. Sometimes I wonder if the tiredness isn’t due in part to the sadness that still haunts me. Now don’t worry…I’m not always sad. There’ve been highs in the past week – a date with my hubby, lunch with friends, smaller jeans, cuddles from Weeman, a good church service, and just today another weight loss goal met and a new haircut.
Here’ the new do – I’ll have to get hubby to take a pic of it on me sometime this weekend.
Even though life is moving along and my heart is healing, there are still moments that take me by surprise. I can be puttering around the kitchen doing nothing important and whoosh – there it is the unbearable suffocating sadness. It can be because of a song on the radio – a commercial on the television – something someone says – or just the way the water comes out of the faucet – all of a sudden my heart clinches and squeezes tight and I gasp for air. Honestly most days I think we’re going to be okay no matter what…that if WeeMan is our only child on earth – then that is God’s plan and I understand and accept it… but the sadness, the ache, the longing, the guilt from moving on with life and being happy… they all hover in the shadows.
Work wears me down most days now. When I started this job I believed whole heartedly that I could make a difference for every child I saw. Now I end the day feeling hopeless and aching in my heart for the lives some of my kiddos have. It seems like since we lost Zion every single hurt is multiplied – whether it’s my own to bear or the hurt I carry for someone else. I know in my heart that I must be making a difference for some of them… I have to believe that or I would just give up trying now. But I wonder if it will be enough, if just showing them love while they are in my classroom can really be enough to make up for the life they live in the real world.
I know it’s the season that’s making it worse. This was my dad’s favorite time of year and I ache to hug him just one more time. To feel the comfort of his strength and smell his pipe and know that life will be okay because he will make it so if it’s in his power. I miss my dad. And I miss my baby, Zion. I’d be 5 months pregnant now – starting to show and maybe starting to feel movements. How is it possible to miss someone you never really had so much?
“The world may never notice
if a rosebud doesn’t bloom
or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon
but every life that ever forms
or ever comes to be
touches the world
in some small way for all eternity
the little one we longed for
was swiftly here and gone
but the love that was then planted
is a light that still shines on
and though our arms are empty
our hearts know what to do
every beating of our heart says
We will remember you.”