Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I’ve loved this season since I was a little girl. It’s more than the gifts and the decorations… it’s just been the peace and the joy in the air. But I’ll be honest this year I am struggling. Can’t seem to find my balance. I’m up and down and all around. When I’m with my WeeMan the joy is there, but when I’m at work or just away from him the gloominess creeps in and fills my day.
I know a big part of it is just the year we’ve had. It’s been rough and I know it’s okay that we’re still aching – but sometimes I just wish I could sweep all the pieces back up and put our broken hearts together. It seems like even when I’m smiling the tears are there hovering waiting for their chance to spill again. There seem to be little reminders of our loss all around from the song we sang at church on Sunday – which happened to be the one that we heard on the way to our ultrasound – to a coworker’s unintentionally painful teasing about having more children. I try to respond appropriately – I try to hold my head up and wait until I’m in private or in the dark to let my tears overflow, but oh how my heart aches at times.
I just keep thinking we should be about 5 months along this month. At 5 months with WeeMan I was just starting to show and feel him move. I long for that chance again. The song that stabs at my heart seems to be everywhere – on the radio, in church, in my head, in my heart – and I just keep thinking if my God can move mountains – then why didn’t he move one for us in August. I know – I know it’s just bitterness and resentment talking – satan slipping in with his sibilant whispers… but those whispers can echo so loud in a heart that is aching with longing for a dream that slipped right out of our reach.
I don’t know what the future will bring. I don’t know if we will go back to Dr. B and try again – I don’t know if that’s even possible or responsible with our finances. I want to believe that God still does miracles – that there is still hope – but I’m struggling. I want to find peace this Christmas – I want to be filled with joy – but both of those things seem so out of reach at times. I’m longing for Christmas break. I’m longing for that time to be with WeeMan to soak up his joy and to be reminded that the God is good even though we’re hurting. Only one more week of school left. I’ll just keep pushing on.