I know I haven’t posted a lot lately, there’s not much to say. My family is learning to live in a place of contentment. I don’t know that content is the best word for what we’re working through, but it seems to be the closest. It’s been almost 6 months since we lost Zion. I would be nearing my third trimester now – getting to that point of nesting and beginning to worry less. That wasn’t the road God had chosen for us though. My heart still aches – every once in awhile there will be a moment when I just have to stop and catch my breath and let the tears fall, but I am beginning to be able to see in a new light.
Hubby and I still long for another child, but now we are not sure that that child will join our family through ivf. If you had asked me the week after I lost Zion – my answer would have been a whole hearted “yes I want to go again” Lately I seem to see more and more signs pointing us toward adoption. Originally we had planned to have one more child through IVF and then pursue adopting through the foster care system for child number 3 and maybe 4. Honestly though, I wonder if we would have had one more and then decided we were done and never gone ahead with adopting. Now it seems like there is a reference to adopting everywhere I turn. We’ve been praying that God would guide us and show us the path we are meant to take and I think he is. In fact I was talking to one of my friends and sharing everything we had seen and the strange little things that had been happening lately I wrapped up by telling her we were praying for a sign, and she looked me straight in the eye and said “Really are you serious? You don’t think all these things are supposed to be signs?” I guess I just want to be sure. I want to KNOW beyond a reasonable doubt that we are doing the right thing. Honestly, too, Hubby is not in the same place I am. I see him beginning to change his thinking as far as IVF – but he’s not 100% sure yet.
In the meantime we are being content with our family of three. We still harbor hope for a miracle – but we are trying to get life back in order, pay down debt, and get our family to a place where we feel comfortable moving forward with whichever path we take.