I have a confession – it’s not something I’m proud of. In fact not many people know this about me at all. I am a recovering bulimic. In my late 20s – early 30s before I got married, before I even met my wonderful hubby – I decided I was tired of being fat and alone. I was tired of trying diet after diet and working my buns off – to not really work my buns off. So I started binging and purging.
Call it an experiment if you like at first. I wouldn’t really say I was binging – I didn’t eat a ton, in fact I was eating much less than normal. I just made myself throw up after almost everything I ate. At first it was hard and I felt ashamed. But the longer I did it… the easier it became. Then I didn’t feel ashamed. Instead I felt guilty if I ate and didn’t get sick. It became a necessity in my mind. I started working out a LOT too and I lost weight – a LOT. I weighed less than I had since junior high. I still wasn’t skinny by any means…. but I was no longer over 200 pounds – by the time I met my hubby and we started planning a wedding I was wearing a size 12. A huge accomplishment for me. I hadn’t been in a size 12 since I was 9 or 10.
My weight has always been my biggest downfall. I have dealt with feeling unlovable, unaccepted, alone, bullied, rejected, hurt, disappointed, broken hearted, ugly, etc… because of my weight since 3rd or 4th grade. It wasn’t that I was skinny before that, but I think that’s the age where I remember kids started teasing and it suddenly started being important in my life. No matter how many times they say words don’t hurt you, they being the adults in a kids life – they’re wrong. Words leave scars dug down deep inside. The kind that won’t just heal and go away. These are the scars that are so deep inside your heart they will remain 20 even 30 years down the road. They are the poisonous scars that will quietly fade to grey and be silent… then months, years down the road… you will have forgotten them or think they’re gone and they will rear their ugly heads. You’ll hear those words again – when you’re in a moment when you need all the confidence you can get… they’ll be there. Waiting for the slightest sign of weakness.
Why am I telling you all this now? Because I’m struggling and I just need to get it out there in writing. I need to hold myself accountable – try to write those demons back down. I’ve been doing good with my Weight Watchers, but I’m on a plateau. Things have definitely slowed down. The weight isn’t coming off as quickly and it’s hard and I miss eating the “good stuff” . I know right now so much of my heart is in a shadowy place. We’re still struggling with decisions about church, I’m struggling with letting go of the plans I had for my life as far as children, I’m feeling like a failure as a woman, I’m feeling rejected/ betrayed by God at times and I’m weak. In my weakness – I hear that old friend whispering to me that I could lose weight a lot faster if I did it the old way. The soft sibilant whisper after a meal , “I can’t believe you ate that… how do you ever expect to get thin by eating like that… just go take care of it. You know what to do. No one will ever have to know.” It slips into my dreams – my quiet time at night, “If you were thinner you’d get pregnant. If you were thinner you’d never have lost your baby. If you were thin you’d be happy and life would be perfect.”
I know that whisper is not the truth. I know that is the sound of Satan trying to lead me astray in my weakness. I shout out above the whisper to my God in prayer. I drown it out with music that makes me happy and the laughter of my little WeeMan. But I need to say that it’s there hovering… tempting… teasing…. trying to lead me into the shadowland. I could use a few prayers to help me out of this dark.