I know I mentioned before that we are starting a new book and series at church now. Here’s the book. Notice the subtitle under the circle “Praying Circles Around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears”
So of course I’ve been thinking what I need to circle with prayer. Honestly it hasn’t taken a lot of thought – it was right there that broken part of me. It’s been there all along. Our pastor told us we need to be praying for big things – the things we can’t do on our own – the things that truly take a miracle. So in the back of my head since Sunday has been the whisper, the idea, the thought. Today that whisper made itself heard loud and clear. I need to go back to praying for a miracle – for God to grow our family.
I was praying faithfully every night -from the time we started talking about trying again until the end of August – when everything broke with the loss of Zion. I didn’t give up praying. I pray with WeeMan every night before bed and I pray for others every night before I go to bed… but I stopped praying for our dreams and fears. I guess I felt like I had begged and pleaded with God to change things in August and he didn’t. He chose not to for reasons I may never know. So like a child I shut myself off. I said “Fine God. If you want to be that way, then I’m just not going to ask anymore. If I don’t ask you can’t disappoint me anymore.” Then I took that dream and I started folding it up -trying to convince myself that maybe that wasn’t what I really wanted anyways and that I was okay with our little family the way it was. I got really good at convincing myself – so good I even had my best friend almost convinced. But today I had to pick up the phone and call Dr B’s office b/c we needed some paperwork for our taxes. I’ve known for about a month I needed to call…. but I just kept putting it off or waiting too late in the day. Today I called and I think I knew it was going to be hard. I didn’t know that MY NURSE was going to answer the phone instead of the receptionist or the billing clerk. I didn’t know that she was going to ask right away how we were and when we were coming back and tell me that she’s been thinking of us. I certainly didn’t know I was going to break down and start sobbing when I hung up the phone after hearing the promise that she wasn’t going anywhere – she would be there when we came back. I didn’t know until I hung up the phone how badly my heart was aching for that dream I was trying to stick in a box in the dusty corner of the closet. I didn’t know that I was going to spend the rest of the day crying when I thought of the phone call or told hubby about the phone call or wrote about the phone call. But now I know what I need to draw my prayer circle around. Now I know what is laying on my heart begging me to give to God to trust him to work in my life.
If you’d like to read for yourself about the Legend of Honi the Circle Maker you can go here. I hope that you do take the time to read it – it’s not very long. I hope that you do dare to draw circles around the dreams and fears in your life and I hope that you stand in those circles and pray for God to work miracles.
I’m drawing my circle today. I’m lifting up our desire for children to God and I’m going to keep lifting it up and trusting him for our miracle.