Rough Days

We are closing in on one year to the day we lost Zion.  One year ago I was just finding out that our last round of in vitro worked.  One year ago my heart was full to bursting with happiness and hope.  I’ve felt the struggle grow the closer we get the 18th.  We were only pregnant for such a short time – it’s hard to believe that it can hurt as much as it still does.

To top off the struggle we’re facing with the time, we’re also dealing with a church struggle.  We’ve been so lost – so disconnected at our church for the past year.  Some things changed staff wise a year ago and all of a sudden we felt like we were out at sea and didn’t recognize the church we’d called home for years.  We were hurting so much with the loss of Zion and we tried to turn to our pastor – but it was made pretty clear that he really just didn’t have time to help us through our grief and hurt.  He met with us once after losing Zion.  Of course it was about two months after the miscarriage because things kept coming up and he kept having to reschedule our meeting.  And yes he knew what we needed to talk to him about, he had been called at the beginning of the miscarriage – he was probably the third phone call my hubby made.  Since that meeting – where he said he didn’t realize how badly we were hurting – he has not asked once how we are doing – not one single time.  And I’m sorry, but I grew up in a small country church and that’s just not what I expect from my minister.  So right now on top of everything we’re looking for a new church home.  Somewhere where we feel connected – somewhere that gives us hope.

As far as the adoption classes go I have to confess, I have put off rescheduling our third class.  My heart is just aching and not really in this process right now.  I don’t want our family to be done – but I can’t find the courage – the strength to move forward just yet.  Maybe when we get past this mark – maybe then I can push through.


5 thoughts on “Rough Days

  1. I am so sorry you're hurting, girl. :/ I think it's a true shame that Pastors have lost the means of what it is to be a "shepherd" to their congregation, and so so so many church leaders are more about appealing to those who are not IN their church yet. Don't get me wrong, I fully believe in the great commission. But the Church is for the Believer just as much, if not more so than the unbeliever. That being said, I also know that time and time again God is reminding us that we cannot rely on man. When we want the tangible shoulder to cry on, often times we're required to fold ourselves into a blanket of faith in what we cannot see. Words sound good to our ears. A hug feels so nice. But only Jesus is the author and perfecter of our faith. Only He can mend the brokenness. And it really stinks sometimes, you know? We want it both. The tangible and the unseen. But sometimes, and I speak this as someone who has been there, we only have Jesus.I pray that you find every longing fulfilled in Him, friend. We are the Church, and He is the greatest shepherd and hope giver we have need of.

  2. So sorry to hear how badly you're feeling. I'm thinking and praying for you and hoping things will fit and fall into place just as they should be. Hard when we have to wait. I'm not a patient waiter either, so I know…Can't believe either how big little wee man is looking lately! You should both be so proud!

  3. Checking in on you… I'm sure yesterday was tough. I pray that today you are feeling God's enormous love for you and your family and have found a more supportive church. You've been through a lot but it will get easier, I promise! My new fav saying is "chin up Buttercup!" I have great faith in God and YOU!love n hugsLeslie

  4. I know what you mean about struggling with your church. Ours is going through transitions, too. It is very hard when people get lost in the vision of "ministry", isn't it? Somehow, I don't think the Good Shepherd ever saw ministry outside of the people and their individual needs. Of course, it is hard for pastors to be there for every need, but clearly, your need is important and should have been taken much more seriously. Sometimes I don't think men truly understand the weight of loss from a treasured and highly anticipated pregnancy. Do take a breath and time to grieve over your loss of Zion and move on when you feel comfortable with that process and ready to proceed. God gives peace and joy and hope when He's ready for us to move on. Said a prayer for you tonight.

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