We are closing in on one year to the day we lost Zion. One year ago I was just finding out that our last round of in vitro worked. One year ago my heart was full to bursting with happiness and hope. I’ve felt the struggle grow the closer we get the 18th. We were only pregnant for such a short time – it’s hard to believe that it can hurt as much as it still does.
To top off the struggle we’re facing with the time, we’re also dealing with a church struggle. We’ve been so lost – so disconnected at our church for the past year. Some things changed staff wise a year ago and all of a sudden we felt like we were out at sea and didn’t recognize the church we’d called home for years. We were hurting so much with the loss of Zion and we tried to turn to our pastor – but it was made pretty clear that he really just didn’t have time to help us through our grief and hurt. He met with us once after losing Zion. Of course it was about two months after the miscarriage because things kept coming up and he kept having to reschedule our meeting. And yes he knew what we needed to talk to him about, he had been called at the beginning of the miscarriage – he was probably the third phone call my hubby made. Since that meeting – where he said he didn’t realize how badly we were hurting – he has not asked once how we are doing – not one single time. And I’m sorry, but I grew up in a small country church and that’s just not what I expect from my minister. So right now on top of everything we’re looking for a new church home. Somewhere where we feel connected – somewhere that gives us hope.
As far as the adoption classes go I have to confess, I have put off rescheduling our third class. My heart is just aching and not really in this process right now. I don’t want our family to be done – but I can’t find the courage – the strength to move forward just yet. Maybe when we get past this mark – maybe then I can push through.