Here they come again

I’m sinking under today.  I’ve felt so great this week and been able to really try to shine for my kids and I feel like it’s made a difference in our classroom and our attitude, but it’s that time of the month again. (Sorry for the TMI) and I find myself sliding down into the valley.  I can feel it and see it happening, and I just can’t seem to stop.  I didn’t think we were pregnant this month.  Heck I’m actually on time this month and that happens never for me.

I’ve reached the point in this place that in my head I know every month we’re not pregnant.  Yet I find myself here over and over again in spite of the knowing – my heart aches.  What I wonder is if there will ever be a month when I don’t ache.  Will there ever be a time when I am able to just let go and be content with having an only child?  Will my arms always ache to cradle a bag?.  Will I reach a point when my heart doesn’t lurch over the news that someone is pregnant.  Will I ever see the day when I can say “Oh we’re done” and really truly mean it and not be mouthing empty word?.  Will I pray for a miracle every month until menopause? Will I ever be able to be 100% happy for friends and family who are pregnant and not have that horrible tiny little seed of jealousy fighting to grow in my heart?

I don’t know where we’re going or what our path holds.  Hubby and I did finish our adoption classes, but we haven’t had our home study and that seems to keep getting pushed back for this reason or that.  Right now it’s on hold because  we need to buy a gun safe before the home study and a gun safe is not in the budget.  I thought hubby was saving for one, but he used the money he had put back for a new gun. (Apparently we had some communication issues.  Yep I’m irritated but it’ll pass)  I’ll be honest – for my part I keep putting the home study off b/c I’m scared and b/c I don’t want to give up on the idea that God will work a miracle for us and we’ll get pregnant.  I know adopting isn’t giving up, but in a way it feels like it is.  I also long to be pregnant again – I want to cradle a life in my belly.  To feel the kicks and the bumps.  I want to be part of that magic again.

This month is a little harder b/c my sister is 3 weeks out from her due date.  To top it all off on the 20th I’ll be 38 – staring 40 right in the face.  And I suppose that looming 40 feels a bit like a death knell to the dream of getting pregnant again.

So yep the blues are rolling back in again.  Hopefully they only stick around for a few days.  In the meantime I’m going to plaster that smile on my face when I’m out in public and curl up under an afghan and nurse my bruised heart when I’m at home.

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4 thoughts on “Here they come again

  1. I just have to say once again I love how honest and raw you are in revealing how you really feel. I love reading your blog for that reason.
    Perhaps, just perhaps gods miracle isn’t “growing” your child on the inside, it’s growing another on the outside? Maybe that is His miracle? Even though it wouldn’t be of Your Blood, an adopted baby is still of His blood therefore yours too? Since we are all his children anyway?
    When I read your posts about your heart longing and heart break and your rough spots I pray for you. I just thought you should know!

  2. I’m so sorry. I’m hoping you’re feeling better now. I think that even though your brain is focusing on being pregnant that what you really want is to have a child? There are so many kiddos out there that need a good family with good values and that can bring them up in a Christian home. Don’t let your desire for the pregnancy overcome your desire for a child 😉

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