We’ve been back in school for 4 weeks now, and I’m trying to figure out my schedule and my class and find my gumption. So I just haven’t been much in the blogging frame of mind. I know this time of year always exhausts me – and I know I’ll find my groove soon (I hope) but until then I’m living day to day – sometimes hour to hour. This group of kiddos has me struggling a little more than usual this year. They’re great kids – I’ve got some real sweeties in the bunch, but the mix of kids together isn’t flowing as easy as usual. I have a lot of very BIG personalities (which I love) and when you get too many in one room those personalities start to clash and crash and play off each other. My first two weeks were actually great – the week before this one was okay. This week though – well it was rough. I think the kiddos are finding their comfort zone – which equals more of their personalities coming through (not usually a bad thing). By Thursday I was in survival mode – putting out fires where I could until I was completely exhausted and honestly heartbroken. Heartbroken for my kids at school and my WeeMan at home. (when you put so much of yourself out in your classroom sometimes there’s not much left for your big boy at home. ) In desperation I turned to my principal and cried in his office after work. I’ve got a plan for next week – thanks to him. I came home and cried some more to my husband and I prayed and asked my friends to pray too. I know I’m just going to have to lay it down for God – I’ll be spending a lot of time on my knees handing this school year to Him I suspect. But overall I feel better – we wrapped up the week with a terrific study trip to the Fort Wayne Children’s Zoo and I made myself a bracelet to help me remember to Lay it Down. I spent the weekend resting and laughing and eating and napping and laughing and putting myself back together. And I’m looking forward to spending tomorrow worshipping and praising and laughing and resting some more before heading back on Monday morning.
Work has me exhausted this week. Most of my kiddos are being as good as can be expected two weeks before Christmas, but there is one that just wears me out daily. Our class spends most of the day tiptoeing around him, hoping we don’t set him off. Usually we only set him off when he doesn’t get to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it – or if I (now here’s a gasp) ask him to do some school work at school!! (I know how dare I have the nerve!) I just keep thinking hang in there I can do it.
I’ll admit that part of my problem in the last couple of weeks have been from non-school related things. I’ve been fighting a little sadness. My heart aches a bit with longing for a baby – for a sweet little girl. Most days I am fine and I am okay with WeeMan being our only, unless we finish up the adoption process – but other days are a different story. Some days it’s like a fist to the heart squeezing and twisting, until you gasp for air. I know that my sister’s approaching due date has a lot to do with these aches. Truly I am so happy for her – but I can be happy for her and sad for me at the same time. I also know that it’s just flat out the holiday season – the longing, the missing, and the stress, all rolled into one. I’ll pull through and I’ll be stronger for it. But knowing that in my head and getting it with my heart – are sometimes two different things.