1 in 4

Today was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  1 in 4 of us will suffer the loss of a baby at some point in our lives.  I am 1 in 4. 

Tonight we lit a candle for our sweet miracle baby we will never meet.  Zion Aime you were wanted.  You were loved.  You would have been cherished.  I know that you are being held safe in the Master’s hands until I can cradle you in my own arms and that is a comfort… but your daddy and I miss you.  Who knew you could miss someone you never even met soo much?  I wish that we had had a chance to meet you, to kiss you, to love on you…. I know that someday I will have that opportunity.  For now, we will go on loving your big brother, living life in our way, and knowing that for a short time you were ours. 

It is not all I am, but I am 1 in 4.

Still Standing

Okay, I had kind of taken a break from writing.  I’ve still been sharing our journey and our struggle on Facebook, but I was feeling lost – mired down in misery for a bit.  I couldn’t find the energy or the words to write and I felt like you all were probably getting tired of reading my woes.  (I know now that that’s what the devil wanted me to think, but when you’re in the thick of it sometimes it’s hard to see through to the truth.) The past days have been like a merry go round.  Not many ups, but we’ve found some normal smooth sailing which is what my heart needs right now.  Last Sunday the pastor’s sermon broke my heart.  I know now that I’m able to see that I wasn’t hearing what he was saying I was hearing what the devil wanted me to hear and those words – they were piercing and painful and heartbreaking and hopestealing.  I walked away from church a week ago, believing that our pastor was directing his sermon directly at me and he was telling me that the miscarriage, the heartbreak, they were all my fault because I was trying to be God. 

With some distance and some time I know that that is not what he was saying and I do believe that for whatever plan God has we were supposed to do the invitro. We prayed over our decision for so long and we didn’t go into that prayer believing we knew the right answer.  We honestly asked God to open doors and show us the path we were meant to take – whatever it was.  So we’re on God’s path and it’s a little rocky right now.  I can’t see where we’re going – there’s a lot of twists and turns.  I’m trying, trying to just breathe and continue moving forward. Some days trusting God to be the guide is easier than others.  I don’t feel like our family is done growing yet, but I don’t know what means God will use to help us expand.  We’re just praying now that God will be our guide and that he will open our eyes so we can see.  One of the giants I struggle with is the fear that God will show me a sign, a path, the way and I’ll miss it somehow in my blindness. 

Day after day I continue to be blessed by the kind words of friends,  some of them people who I haven’t talked to since high school sharing their own heartache, letting me know that this path we travel – has been traveled before, some of them acquantainces from church and work – people that I have only had token conversations with sharing honest understanding and comfort in a hug, and of course some of them from brave, wise, loving women who I may never in this earthly life sit down and share a cup of coffee with – but your words and prayers – your encouragement have helped me face some dark times.  It’s funny that the friends I thought would gather around and help me through this the most are the ones who struggle to know what to say so instead make the hurt worse unintentionally. 

So we’re still standing and the smooth normal calm days – well they seem to be coming back with more frequency.  Right now I try not to think about what the future will bring, b/c when I do my heartaches with longing.  But we move forward a day at a time.  This weekend we moved forward by spending time at a festival (pics of that to come tomorrow) and the Farmer’s Market.  I thought I’d share some of the normalness and the beauty to make up for all the ranting and moaning I’ve done on here.

My two men

Love the fuschia of the flowers with the black.  Need to find out what this is.

Apples – a sign that fall is really on it’s way

My WeeMan’s smile – who can see this and not smile.  Note the dingy well loved bear that travels everywhere with him still

Cousins – WeeMan and our Monkeygirl with their zhu zhu pets – thanks to CVS for serious clearance – you made them both happy

Tomorrow we go to Dr. B. for our post cycle consult.  I’ll have to have another bloodtest too.  Hopefully the numbers continue to fall.  I’ve got a few questions in mind for him about other options, but I’m not sure where we’ll go from here.  Right now it looks like we’re going to give ourselves till spring or early summer to make a decision and pray for guidance.  There’s a piece of me that would run out and do IVF again tomorrow.  But there’s also a piece of my heart that is scared and unsure.  I’m reading Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman right now and there’s a part of my heart that aches to adopt also.  There’s also the Pollyanna in me hoping that we get a miracle baby of our own between now and then.  One day at a time.  That’s what we have to do.

Not this time

It’s official.  My Hcg went up by about 50 in four days.  Definitely not the sign of a new pregnancy.  If it were a pregnancy it would have gone up by about 2000.  I managed to make sure the house was spic and span and things were organized at work.  I also made it to Weight Watchers.  (Only down a half a pound) Now I’m nested on the couch.  I took the cytotec about 20 minutes ago.  I’ve got my vicodin close at hand and I’m waiting to see how it’s going to go.

I really struggled yesterday.  The sermon got to me and just stuck there.  You know how when you’re so mired down in something then you take everything you hear and apply it to the situation you’re in whether it’s right or wrong.  I left church yesterday feeling like it was my fault we lost this baby because I wouldn’t give God control.  Now looking at it with clear eyes and some distance … I know that’s not what the pastor was saying.  But I spent the day mired in sadness and guilt yesterday.  I think it was easy for me to twist his words around that way because that’s what I’ve been wondering and struggling with since the loss.  I struggle right now because I want/ need an answer – someone or something to blame – even if that someone is myself.  I know in my head we won’t ever have that answer – that there may be no answer…. but I ache with the wondering. 

Tomorrow if I’m feeling up to it I’ll be back with a nonheartsick post.  I’ve got a giveaway winner to announce and some decorating things to post.  Just moving one day at a time here.

Another

I’ve made it through another day.  We had another rough night last night.  Monday there will be another blood test and then another heart wrenching wait.

Here’s the latest in our saga.  Yesterday my Hcg level had risen yet again by 100 points.  The doctor’s office called and the nurse told me Dr. B wanted me to take a medicine called cytotech.  Basically cytotech will cause me to finish miscarrying the remaining lining and should bring the Hcg down to the negative numbers we need it to be at to move forward.  I asked her if Dr. B had looked at the u/s with the knowledge that we had had sex and were wondering if we could be pregnant.  She answered all my questions and assured me he had.  I hung up the phone and sobbed for lost hope again.  After the crying jag passed – largely due in part to my WeeMan and Hubby’s hugs.  I prepared to run out and pick up the meds.  I also did some quick research online (ie read some blogs of women who had taken the same meds and their experiences) I knew it was going to cause some cramping and some bleeding.  I was scared b/c Brooke said that Dr. B wanted to make sure I had vicodin left. (I’m pretty sure that meant there was going to be BAD cramping) As I did all this… my heart just wasn’t 100% behind what was to come.  I began to worry and second guess… wondering if this was a time I was being tested and if I was just supposed to have faith and trust God with this.  I called one of my best friends who has been down this road more than once and I talked through what was going on with her.  She told me “Becky – you can’t do this if you are not one hundred percent sure it’s the right thing. If you have any doubt – you will spend the rest of your life wondering what if.  Call Dr. B tomorrow and talk to him.” I heard the same thing from another friend when she stopped by to drop off a basket of things for the day I thought I was going to spend on the couch. Later that night I talked to my pastor’s wife on the phone and she prayed with me and I knew I needed to wait and talk to the doctor one last time.  So this morning I called and left a message asking that he call me back and he did.  I talked to him on the phone for a good 15 minutes.  I asked all my questions and I shared my doubts.  He got it… completely got it and assured me there was no reason we couldn’t wait a little longer.  My body is showing no signs of infection and although the numbers don’t look promising for a viable pregnancy… he said we could wait and do more tests.  So Monday morning I am going for another ultrasound.  By Monday if this is an early pregnancy my number should be near 2000.  If it isn’t we will know that it’s not.  But Dr. B says I can wait longer than that if I need to.  I have a feeling Monday will give me my answer.  I’m at peace with that.  So Monday I’m going to have one more Hcg test.  We’ll see what that brings and move from there. 

Last night before talking to my loveys I was conflicted and heartbroken.  I was terrified and wondering.  Today I am not afraid.  If Monday brings us bad news then I will go ahead and take the meds so that I can stay healthy and we can move forward. 

I have to thank you all again for the love and the support you’ve given me.  I wish I could thank each of you in person.  I cherish all the words you’ve shared.  I’m amazed at the women – some of them friends I’ve known for years who have shared their stories with me – I’m heartsick that so many of us have traveled this long heartbreaking road.  Thank you for helping me get up each day, for loaning me your strength without ever realizing you were.  You are all amazing.

Strong

Since the miscarriage I’ve had several people complement me on my strength.  Last night a friend I admire messaged me on facebook and told me she admires my strength and she wrote “I am so impressed that you are able to share what you are going through- you are a voice for those who have gone though or are in the midst of infertility. I am touched by your heart and the honesty you share each day as you battle this. ”  I have confession to make though.  I’m not strong or brave.  I’m weak and scared.  Each day is a battle to get out of bed and face the day.  Every day since the miscarriage something has made me cry – whether it be a commercial on tv, a song on the radio, the hug of a friend, or any other numerous reminders.  I have shared every step of our journey for selfish reasons – I’m a writer and a talker and I have to talk through things to make them make sense – to survive them.  Every time I’ve shared what we’re dealing with I’ve been given so much…. comfort, reassurance that I’m not crazy, and I’m not alone, and prayers.  So not only am I weak and scared – well I’m a little selfish too.

My scaredy cat tendencies have never been more clear to me than today.  Our ultrasound gave us no answers except reassurance that’s they’re pretty sure it’s not an ectopic pregnancy.  There was nothing on the left ovary or tube and as far as they can tell nothing on the right either.  Apparently my right hides all the time.  Today it seemed to be tucked way back behind the uterus and couldn’t be seen.  The radiologist felt confident that if there was an ectopic pregnancy 7 weeks along we would have been able to see it on the right b/c it would have been large enough to bring the right forward.  The lining did appear to be thick which could either be leftover from the miscarriage or the result of a new very early pregnancy.  At this point we are forced to wait and see some more.  I go back to the doctor tomorrow for more bloodwork.  They will recheck my Hcg.  I guess if it’s still climbing we’ll keep waiting and if it’s gone back to falling we’ll know it’s not a viable pregnancy.  I’m scared stiff.  I tried to research online last night so I could be prepared for today… but that just scared me more as I read about things like molar pregnancies.  It doesn’t appear to be one of those currently.  Unless it was a very early. So I am relieved about that… but this waiting is truly testing me.

I want to have faith.  I want to believe that God is working through this and he’s going to do miracles for us.  If we are pregnant then that would be a HUGE miracle.  I know that God is capable of doing HUGE miracles… but I worry why would he do one for unworthy me?  I know there’s nothing I can do to change the situation or to get answers any sooner – except pray and just give it all to God.  Yet I sit and I worry and I ache to hear his voice.  Hubby called the pastor today and we both talked to him and know that he passed our situation on to the prayer team. As he hung up the phone and turned the radio back on “Mighty to Save” was playing right at that chorus where it says
“Savior

He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as You find me
All my fears & failures
Fill my life again”
It seemed like every song we heard on the way home was about being strong and having faith… so I don’t know if God speaks to us through the radio.  But I’m doing my best to have faith and hope.  No matter what happens I will praise Him.  That’s all I can do.

Prayers Needed

My Hcg levels today went up instead of down.  Our original levels the day after the miscarriage were over 3000.  48 hours later they had to 800 a week later they were down to 200.  Today’s test revealed they were back up to 536 a week later.  The doctor is thinking there is some tissue left inside me causing my body to be confused.  I am praying that my God is doing a miracle.  We didn’t abstain from babydancing after the miscarriage… didn’t realize we were supposed to until the third Hcg and once the bleeding stopped we found comfort with each other. (Sorry if that’s tmi) I’m praying for a true miracle tonight.  I know that my God is bigger than all of this – that he can do great things. I’m scared though – I don’t want to hope too much and be devestated.  All I can do tonight is give this to God and leave it in his hands.  I can’t do anything to fix this myself.

It’s Going to be a Rough one

We had a wonderful weekend and should be recovered and ready to face the week ahead… but in my heart I know it’s going to be rough.  It seems like we get the pieces picked up and laid back out and the wind comes through and knocks them all back to the ground.  I know God won’t give us more than we can handle… but I’m wondering how much more we have to be given.  I’m ready to say “uncle” and crawl into my bed and stay for a month or two. 

Today we had lunch at one of our friend’s houses from small group.  The hubbies took the kiddos outside to play after lunch and K and I were left inside to visit.  She got very quiet and very serious and shared with me that they were expecting.  She had known for a week, and was dreading telling me… but she wanted to make sure I heard it from her.  I know it was breaking her heart to have to tell me.  I know it hurt her to share. I know that this is truly a blessing for them b/c they struggled so long and hard the last time.  But even knowing all that it’s hard.  (Who am I kidding hard doesn’t even begin to cover it) I am happy for them.  I even managed to congratulate her and carry on a normal conversation for another hour.  Once we were in our car though I broke down.  I’ve been crying off and on since we got home.  She’s due three days after our due date.  I want to rage at the Heavens and stomp my feet and pound my fists on the floor that it’s not fair.  (Yep in other words I want to have a big old screaming crying temper tantrum.) I know God can take it if I need to cry and yell, but I also know that’s not going to change anything.  It’s not going to make us wake up from this nightmare.  So I’m going to cry my eyes out tonight and try to pick myself up again tomorrow and face the week ahead.  I’d appreciate prayers though – I go back for another Hcg test on Tuesday and I know it will be rough to be there again – plus on Wednesday we were supposed to have our ultrasound.  I know hubby and I are both going to struggle to breathe through that day.  (It’s ironic that on Friday hubby found out he had gotten moved up on the waiting list and actually managed to get Wednesday off – now that he doesn’t need it)

One Step at a Time

I know the healing process takes time.  I think maybe sometimes I expect it to be faster.  I feel like I haven’t been happy and truly laughed in forever… but I know it’s not been that long.  Just since we lost our bean, but it feels that way. 
I bought Angie Smith’s new book “What Women  Fear”.  I’m reading a chapter a day so that I can really think about what I’m reading and pray on it.  I read chapter 1 on our drive to Michigan, and let me just tell you I think it was written for me.  Chapter 1 was called Sitting by the Well – Fear of the “What if…”   Oh my goodness – she knew what was in my heart – she knew I’ve been so afraid that we lost the baby b/c of something I did or didn’t do.  I’ve found myself wondering – “What if it was because … I did too much yardwork the day before, or the poppyseed chicken I made for dinner the night before, or the tylenol I took when I got home from work that day b/c my head was killing me… the list goes on and on and wraps up with the hardest two for me to face. “What if it’s because God knows I don’t really deserve to be a mother again?  What if I never am blessed with another miracle baby?” 
Chapter 1 was about Sara and Hagar.  She wrote about how Sara was so desperate for a baby, that she took matters into her own hands b/c she got tired of waiting on God.  I wonder if I did that.  We thought God was leading us through this round of invitro.  Doors opened and things went extremely well, but maybe we were just seeing opened doors where we wanted them.  She wrote about how Sara must have asked God “Where are you in this?”  My heart has been crying those words out to him  as I struggle to understand why a God who loves me would choose this path of infertility and heartache.  Yet I know that this path showed me more than any other could have how blessed I am to have WeeMan.  How precious his life is.  And this path has made my husband and I stronger and closer than I could ever imagine being with him.  How appropriate that our wedding dance was to “Bless the Broken Road” b/c it’s clearly a broken road we travel at times.
She wrapped up chapter 1 by focusing on Hagar.  Angie focused on how sometimes we spend so much time in the “what ifs…” and the wondering if we could have done things better, made things right, that we can’t see what’s right in front of us.   “We can’t go back to the waiting room, to the friend’s house, to the moment where the door slammed behind us.  What we can do is go to the throne of grace with our regret and let Jesus redeem it as only He can.  Take it captive before it takes you…. You weren’t made to walk through life with the stack of missed opportunities pressing you into the ground. ”   I know I know easier said than done.  But I’m gonna work on it.  I have to for myself, for WeeMan, and for Hubby. Like Hagar we have to listen to God and let Him open our heart and our eyes so we can “see” the well that was right in front of us all the time. 
So I’m working on me.  I knew I had to do something and I had a feeling Angie Smith would get it.  I had read her first book “I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy” last winter.  It’s an amazing book about her own personal loss of her daughter.  So I just had a feeling that this was the book I needed to read.  I’m also re-reading  that first book , with a different perspective – one of a mother who lost a baby and it’s comforting, but difficult.  I don’t honestly know if I will make it through it, but I’m taking away some important pieces. She has the words that say how I’m feeling ” We saw each other for what we were – women who were often just going through the motions of normalcy, partly for our children and partly for ourselves.  I began to realize that this was going to be a part of my new life because the world has a way of going on all around you even when you are in the depths of sorrow that belie it’s pace and fervor.”
 I ache to talk to our pastor or his wife, but I’m unsure about going that route due to the situation at our church currently.  I feel like Satan is throwing all these tests up in our path at once -I’m trying to remember to pray for the strength to get through them. 
On the bright side we’re in Michigan for the weekend.  Planning to spend time with Hubby’s family, but also to spend time just the three of us being together and trying to find happy things to do.  As long as it doesn’t rain we’re going to the huge Ren Faire tomorrow. 

Rough Start

This morning was ROUGH. I had to go to Dr. B’s office for bloodwork. They are monitoring my Hcg to make sure it goes back down to negative numbers. Just being there brought tears to my eyes. I wasn’t supposed to be there for this, I was supposed to be going back next week for an ultrasound and to see a heartbeat. I know they tell you after the blood tests to be cautiously optimistic… and I thought I was being cautious, but there are moments when no matter how cautious I was the hurt of what should have been steals my breath away. I cry a lot – I’m like a leaky faucet. There’s no rhyme or reason to what will bring tears to my eyes. Last night I was lying on the couch with WeeMan and I was crying at the end of “Despicable Me”. I cry in the shower, in bed, in my car, at work, and this morning in the arms of my nurse at Dr. B’s office. I cried at the receptionists desk as I was making our postcycle consult. I’m crying right now as I right this. I know the hurt won’t go away, but I’m wondering when the tears will start to fade.

I’m leaning hard on my friends, on my blogs, and on my Husband through this. I know I’m supposed to be leaning on my God, but I’m struggling there. Our church is in turmoil right now, there’s a LOT of dissension about some things the pastor has taken upon himself to do. Staff changes and vision changes and about a month or more before the congregation was notified. I know we have a few faithful friends who are praying for us through this, but I ache because we don’t seem to be able to find comfort in our church right now. We’ve even discussed looking for a new church home, but this seems like a horrible time to be looking when we’re both hurting and it would be too easy to just curl up under the blankets on Sunday morning and stop going all together.

I did find one bright spot this morning. It’s a devotional I get delivered to my email everyday. This is the one from yesteday.

It’s Time to Simply Trust


“Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40, NIV


Having commanded the stone to be rolled away from the place where Lazarus was buried, Jesus challenged Martha not only to obedience but to expectant faith: “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” (John 11:40). In essence, He was saying, “It’s time to place all of your small, mustard seed-sized faith in Me and My promise to you.”


Martha had said she had faith. She intellectually believed what Jesus had said. But Martha needed to make the transition from faith to trust. Because while belief is the consent of the mind and faith is a choice of the will, trust is a commitment of the heart.


The time had come for Martha to put her faith into action by surrendering all of her hopeful expectations and heartfelt longings and practical common sense and simply trust Him. And the time has come for you to simply trust Him. Trust HIM!

Guess I need to work on trusting Him. Definitely something I struggle with under normal circumstances – harder under these.

Bittersweet

Today was rough – who am I kidding the whole weekend was rough.  I’m drained and exhausted and hurting and mad and sad and sick and wondering when it all ends.  Maybe it wouldn’t have been so rough if my body would cooperate.  I thought that the physical side of the miscarriage was over.  I had cramps and bleeding (lots of bleeding) last week on Thursday.  Other than that there was nothing until Friday this week when I started cramping and bleeding again.  I’ve called and talked to the nurse at the doctor’s office and she said it’s still part of the miscarriage – not my period like I thought at first it may be.  I know that’s part of why I’m so exhausted – my body is just not cooperating.  I feel like I could hibernate under my covers for a week at least and probably still emerge exhausted.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just going through the motions of taking care of my family and my home.  I want my life back! I want my hope back! I want my heart to stop hurting and my body to stop bleeding.

My mom and brother came to visit this weekend and it was good to have them here.  To have some help with David.  Our friends M and M came for a cookout Saturday with their little Cutiepie.  There were moments this weekend when I felt almost normal.  I’m thankful for those moments – for friends and family coming round and to know that their hearts are aching too.  In the normal moments I even managed to garage sale.  I found two powerwheels for WeeMan.  One was a small Diego fourwheeler – I paid $10 for it and we let him have it now.  It’s in great shape and I figure I can resell it for at least $20 next summer.  The other is a bigger FisherPrice Kawasaki fourwheeler model.  We’re saving it for his birthday.  I paid $40 for it and it too is in fantastic shape.  There were moments of joy watching him race around the yard on his fo-wheeler and seeing that smile of delight. 

There was bittersweet joy at church today.  Our good friends from church asked me to hold their sweet baby girl since they were teaching in WeeMan’s class during service.  It was precious to hold and cuddle that little baby.  But my heartached b/c I know I won’t be cuddling our little bean.  I spent the service with tear filled eyes and returned sweet little girl with tears in her hair.  But I cherished every moment of cuddling I was able to have.

I’m so full of hurt and questions and I want to turn to our church family for support and help, but things are rough right now at church and hubby and I have even been considering finding a new church.  Some things have been happening that have us questioning whether it’s the right place for our family.  It just seems like life is crumbling around me and I struggle to find the energy to pick up the pieces.  I know if I can’t I’m letting the devil win, I’m trying to pull it together and I’m thanking God everyday for my sweet hubby – who’s hurting with me and yet still is full of hope and faith and the strength to carry us through.  I’m also thanking God for my WeeMan who knows mommy’s heart hurt sometimes and tries to fix it with cookies, kool-aid, bearhugs, and kisses.  I know that I have blessings and I’m trying so hard not to lose sight of them all in my haze of hurt.

I want to come back – I want to be blogging about recipes and crafts and happy things.  I’m sorry my blog is a debbie downer lately.  Thank you for bearing with me and praying for my family and for caring for us even though you’ve never met us.  You are one of my biggest blessings.